Mums in bed and my brother is hideously drunk, so naturally I have to look after him even though I’m exhausted and could cry from being so tired, he’s literally non stop throwing up, he’s cut his hand from falling out of bed, lord Jesus it’s a mess, he’s a state I’ve never been and never want to be in myself..
Anyway, a little thing about me that I’ve only really started to control is I basically comfort eat and it stopped for a while but all I can think about right now is sitting in my room on the floor, shutting the doors and stuffing myself till everything is alright again, this is literally the last thought I need right now, which is why I feel the need to get it out, I just want to go to sleep
I’m sorry for my blog becoming a depressing 14 year olds diary but that’s just life right now, all I can say is please god, get me to uni ASAP..
I’ve been doing non-stop college work recently and I was thinking about why I feel this constant need to be productive, I mean there’s only three-ish weeks left of my project but I’m literally working in college, coming home, eating a shit dinner and then carrying on with my work till I go to bed, which is never earlier than gone 12, its become a little excessive and its burning me out a bit..
Anyway, I’ve come to realise that after this project is over, ill physically have nothing until I go to uni, ill have no money, no deadlines or projects, nothing.. so I think I’m working like crazy every day because I’m scared, Im a little terrified that when summer comes around ill become the reserved, quiet, self hating, miserable slob I was last summer and I don’t want that for myself again; I’m finally, very slowly mind, making progress to remotely liking myself and I feel like I know that’s going to go away again
I promised myself I wouldn’t go to uni as pent up with critical thoughts but that just seems so impossible nowadays, I just wish you could buy self confidence.. ‘Sigh..
Then again even if it was possible to buy it I’d need a job first so that I could: oh life..
Ps. I’m sorry to any poor bastard who reads this!